The Lesson I'm Learning from Cancer. Again.

I woke up this morning to a brain seething with activity.

In the last month I have registered for seven different intensive online courses that range from Photoshop artistry to video blogging.

It's exciting! And overwhelming. Plus, these courses need to be paid for.

So, the brain goes on overdrive.

 Maybe I should offer a week of mini consultations at the end of June to help cover the cost?

Wait, what about strawberries? Are there any left out there? I wanted to make jam and freeze sliced strawberries with vanilla bean.

I should bake this morning. Bread, some kind of coffee cake and maybe Henry's favorite peanut butter cookies.

What am I making for supper? I have leftover ham. It should be something interesting though. I can't serve ham and potatoes for the third time. Better google some recipes.

Hang on, I've got all these courses to work on today, I don't have time for all that!

An intense twinge in my leg stopped me cold.

It was time to take a deep breath.

I've been getting rather painful twinging more often in the last little while. I had thought they were signs of feeling returning to my leg. Until late one evening, while getting a small ice pack ready to rest my feet on, (Yes, I still get the odd hot flash in my feet.) I realized that I couldn't feel the cold on my leg even though the ice pack was right against my skin. I found that kind of intriguing (and a little weird) and thought I would use this to test just how much of my leg was numb. Because I can feel pressure (in my leg) as well as sensation (in my hand) when I run my hand over my leg, I can't get an accurate idea that way.

 The test shocked me. I thought I had feeling in my knee and most of the back of my leg. It turns out that I have no feeling in my knee and only in a small strip right in the middle of the back of my leg.

I've started to realized that I may never get that feeling back and that the twinges may be permanent.

The past week has been a difficult one as I struggled with how to accept this. I know in my heart that everything comes from the Lord and is all a part of His perfect plan for me but that doesn't mean I don't still struggle with accepting his will with a glad  heart.

That twinge this morning brought me up short.

The intensity with which I pursue the many things that interest me is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. I become so focused on those things that need to be learned or done right now, that I stop living each day with joy, looking for ways to show my family and friends how much I love and cherish them. I instead become consumed with trying to make every moment of the day count. I start to resent taking time out of my day to run for groceries, visit someone for tea, snuggle Henry, or take more than 15 minutes getting dinner ready if I can't get away with saying "Help yourself."

I think one of the biggest lessons I've learned from my experience with cancer has been that the things that matter most in life are  the people and how we love and cherish them. The other is that we are valuable for who we are, not what we do. You have no idea how hard that last one is for me. I no problem valuing others for who they are rather than what they do but when it comes to showing myself that same grace?

 Not so much.

Obviously the two things that go first when I  start hyper focusing on something are those two lessons.

As I was lying in bed, praying about all the difficulties my leg has been giving me,  it suddenly occurred to me . . .

I could look at my leg pain as a terrible burden or a blessed gift. A gift that would continue to remind me of those hard earned lessons that I seem to so easily forget.

Instead of heading straight to the computer after breakfast I ran downstairs, woke up Holly and the two of us went on a spur of the moment adventure to Fort Edmonton before she had to work later that afternoon.

We had the loveliest time. We strolled around, stopping here and there, ending up at the Selkirk Hotel for lunch. She and I shared a brushcetta  and balsamic vinegar glazed, grilled cheese sandwich on swirled rye bread. It was so good, I asked our waitress to find out what brand of balsamic vinegar they used so I could try to recreate it at home.

And I am going to make to time to actually do it.

Joyfully.

Can You Believe It's Been Three Weeks?!

Of all the things I assumed I would not be able to do after my surgery, blogging was not one of them!

After Morgan and Jesse bought me my tablet, I was positive blogging from my chair would be a breeze. . .

Who knew how hard it would be to type on a tiny touch screen, or that I couldn't load  my pictures onto the tablet?

Who knew that  I would be able to put my own socks on long before I would be able to sit at a desk for more than a minute or two?

However. . .

It's finally happened.

I am once again able to sit at my desk for an hour or so without  serious discomfort.

Whoo Hoo!

So people. . .

I'm back to regular blogging. I won't promise a post everyday because I still poop out by early afternoon but . . .  if I don't start writing some of the posts swimming around in my brain my head is likely to explode!

How am I doing these days???

My drain has been out for just over a month now and I am happy to report that it hasn't caused problems at all.

I went to the lymphodema clinic twice a week for nearly three weeks, first learning how to do the lymph massages for myself and then getting regular massages from the therapists. At my last visit I was told that I may have escaped lymphodema (for now) and I am to visit again at the end of this month for further assessments. I still massage at the end of the day and wear compression bike shorts at all times but there is a possibility that it might not be forever. (And even if it was. . . if that was the worst of it. . . I would be incredibly thankful!!)

I can now do the stairs normally at least once in the day and my leg bends a little further every day. Still can't bend down too far or sit on the ground but . . . everything in good time.

I have been getting out and about, baking, crafting, taking pictures and even doing the laundry again. A fact that thrills Henry to no end.

 Housekeeping is not his forte.

Mine either . . .

See you all on Monday!

Jada LOVES it when I bake.

New Deadline To Enter Giveaway, Good News . . . And A Few Pictures.

It's been an odd week.

Monday morning found me walking into the Cross Cancer Clinic.

 It was strangely unsettling.

I had been relieved when my surgeon told me it was very unlikely that I would been called to go there and consult about further treatment.

Because going to the Cross would make me one of those people.

You know . . .

 People with cancer.

 People whose lives were forever changed.

And that wasn't me. Not really. I was cancer free now . . . so it wasn't the same.

Walking in there Monday morning for my first appointment at the Rehab department brought home to me very clearly that it is the same . . .

.I am a person who had cancer.

My life has been forever changed. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I met the nicest physiotherapist. (you have no idea how many amazing people I have met in the last few months!) It turns out this is where I will be going for both lymphodema and physio.

This  visit was to assess where I am when it comes to lymphodema. There is some swelling. I will likely be trying out some types of compression stocking, although as  I am not physical able to get one on yet  our first focus will be on learning how to  do the self massage that will hopefully aid the built up fluid in moving to areas that still have lymph nodes. I will have to do this daily. I am also going to the clinic twice a week to have someone trained in this technique to massage my leg thoroughly.

It's a little tricky, although I am assured that once I get the hang of it I'll be able to do it in my sleep . . .

Wouldn't it be great if you really could do something like that in your sleep? It would save so much time . . .

In the afternoon I saw my surgeon. Before I had even gotten there my drain was up to 66ml and I don't usually add up the day's amounts until 10 at night!! More than double the 30 I had been aiming for.

The doctor came in and asked how it was going.

I patted my drain.

"Well, good news." she said cheerfully. "That's coming out right now! You're going to be free!"

"What!!" I was just a little freaked out. When a drain comes out too soon the fluid can build up in a pocket and often it needs to be drained with the aid of a needle. Not my idea of a good time!

She explained that at this point the drain would continue to run forever and that the drain itself was likely causing irritation and adding to the fluid.

The drain was coming out and we would just have to wait and see what would happen.

So far so good I think. My leg is aching as I type and that still makes me nervous. But as I spent the last two days getting back to a normal life  it's likely that the ache is more from overdoing than fluid building up in a pocket.  My leg overall is swelling a bit more but that's to be expected. (The whole thing still freaks me out . . .  but that's what prayer's for isn't it?)

So . . .

I had intended to do the giveaway draw tonight however. . .

Although I know lots of you read the giveaway post, very few of you actually entered, so I'm giving you all another chance.

It doesn't matter if you are family, or already have a calender, or just dropped by for the first time, or feel that as you never comment it wouldn't be right to do it for a giveaway. (why do you think so many bloggers have giveaways??? We want to hear from you and this is our sneaky way of getting you to do it! ;D )

Just enter!

I have decided to extend the deadline for entering until this Monday at midnight or when ever I get up Tuesday morning. (because I do not want to have to figure out what time zone someone from across the country is in and whether they made it before midnight.)

The giveaways are two calenders, one wall and one desk, as well as a few surprise goodies to to keep things interesting.

You can either leave a comment on this post or go to the original one to check out all the pictures on the calender and comment there. Click here to go to the post.

Not sure how to leave a comment?

 At the bottom of every post you will see leave a comment or it will say how many comments there are. Click on that and it will bring you to the comment page. Type a message, making sure you give me a way to contact you should you win the giveaway. (remember, everyone can see your comment, so you probably won't want to leave a phone number.) Leave your name in the comment and if you don't have a Google account you can just sign in as anonymous and click on publish your comment.

Easy . . .

The two winners will be announced on Wednesday morning. (as long as things go as planned. Sometimes they don't . . .)

And because I'm always playing around with my camera ( the most likely reason my leg is aching as I couldn't resist the hoar frost outside today.)

A few amaryllis pictures . . .

Good luck!

Starting The New Year Out Right.

Normally at this time of year, I go into list making mode.

I start decluttering, reorganizing, menu planning.

The menu planning doesn't usually last past week two but the huge pile of cookbooks I bring home from the library and pile beside my chair help me keep up the delusion that this is the year to get ahead of the whole . . . supper comes every day thing . . .

I do a massive spring cleaning in January because I know come spring I'll be outside and I won't come back in until October sometime. (November if I'm lucky)

I have a list of house projects and a list of garden projects and a list of new things to learn.

Of course I know I'll be lucky to get even a fraction of each  list done but I like feeling as though I know where I'm going and how I plan to get there.

This year, for the first time in my adult life, there are no lists.

I have no idea where I am going or how I might get there.

I don't even pretend to think I know what tomorrow is going to look like.

The thing that's odd about that???

I'm actually kind of relieved.

I am going into this new year with the certain knowledge that each day is a gift.

And what that gift will hold when I unwrap it each day is going to be a surprise . . . and beyond my control.

Does that mean I think it will be a happy, skip with joy from one day to the next, kind of year?

Not at all.

My days right now are a struggle as I work hard on sitting in my chair each day, getting up only to go to the bathroom in hopes that my drain will slow down once and for all.

Yesterday? That worked.

Today? Not so much. It seems my state of mind has something to do with it as well.

Yesterday? Happily hanging out, reading my book and visiting with Ev who dropped by.

29 ml at the 24 hour mark. Yes!! One ml below the target.

Today? Anxious all day, worrying about what a trip to my doctor's will do to my drain's fluid count.
Thankfully I was able to postpone the appointment  Only got up to load the dishwasher and make boxed scalloped potatoes to go with the roast chickens Henry brought home.

57 ml at the 24 hour mark. Nearly double what it needs to be before they will take the drain out.

I need there to be no more than 30 ml in 24 hours two days in a row.

It seems I not only have to sit perfectly still all day, I also have to be happy while doing it!

Am I getting frustrated?

Absolutely. The thing is though, I also know that the drain will come out at the very second it should, according to God's plan. Not a second early or a second late.

God's timing is perfect.

And that's the joy I am bringing into the new year.

Not that everyday is going to be fabulous, or interesting, or even just okay. But everyday will bring anew God's plan for me and I am looking forward to finding out what that plan might be.

It was my hope to blog everyday but until this drain comes out and I have the whole fluid thing under some kind of control, that might not be possible.

So I let go. I choose to meet each day with the steady joy of knowing that God is in control and he has a plan for me and that plan will be worked for my good.

My sister Tamara posted a few verses on Facebook the other day and they struck me as the perfect verses to take into the year ahead. . .

"22 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; 23 they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22-23

What I can do to ring in the New year???

Take a trip to Home Depot with Holly and brighten the house with these. . .

Health Update.

It's been quite a while since I've blogged.

I was having a lot of difficulty sitting at my desk and had to wait some time for Henry to finally switch it out with something more suitable.

Which is an awfully good reason not to blog.

Truth be told though, the real reason I haven't been blogging is because I have spent an inordinate amount of time on the massive pity party going on over here.

Has my incision healed?  Yes indeed, all the stitches are out and aside from a few scabby bits, my incision has healed.

How about swelling? Any signs of Lymphodema? There has been some swelling but I am assured that it is minor so far and I have been referred to the lymphodema clinic at the Cross Cancer Clinic. I should get in by mid February sometime. (But in the meantime . . . keep my leg up as much as possible . . .)

So why in the world am I holding a Pity Party???

Why indeed.

Nothing annoys me more than being cranky and feeling sorry for myself.

Yet I do. And I am. Cranky.

I have no idea how long it will take for my leg to work properly again. I went searching online for info and my blog post on the subject came up third in the search! There is not a lot out there on the subject beyond medical papers meant for doctors and none of them talk about recovery from the muscle transfer

One thing that hasn't come out yet is my drain. This is a long flexible tube beginning in a cavity by my surgery site, exiting from a tiny stitched hole in my tummy and ending in a flexible bulb that creates mild suction to draw fluid from the cavity. It was supposed to be in at most, six weeks. Tomorrow will be nine.
It won't come out until the amount of fluid in 24 hours is below a certain amount.

Two days in a row. . .

It is slowing down. . . sort of.

Unless I'm busy.

You know, going to the bathroom, making toast, preparing a pot of soup for supper. . .  busy.

Going out???

Ummm. . . the amount my drain puts out jumps significantly. . .
So I have spent the last two days sitting.  And walking very, very slowly.
Because one of these days it's got to come out!!

You know how they say it takes 30 days to form a new habit?

Well it's been 60 some odd days and taking things easy still hasn't become a habit!

Who knew I was such a slow learner?

I have however, decided to leave cranky behind. (Because she is seriously annoying!)

My next post is December In Review as, cranky or not, we have had some fun times in December!

The New Year??

Stay tuned! I may not be able to do what I am used to, but it doesn't mean I can't have fun in a whole new way. . . .

And blog about it. . .

I Am Allowed Back At My Desk!. . . And. . . A Snow Globe Inspired Cookie Jar

I am finally allowed to sit normally at my desk again.

The lack of blogging has  been solely due to the fact that I couldn't find a comfortable way to work at my desk until now. . . really. . . it had nothing to do with working my way through an entire series of light and fluffy crime novels Morgan's friend loaded on to my tablet. . . ahem.

I saw the doctor yesterday and things are slowly progressing. The key word being slowly.

At this point my drain is still running fairly fast and it looks like it will be in even longer than the six weeks we had hoped. I have discovered that if I do anything even a little bit quickly not only does my drain bulb fill up fast , fluid starts to leak out around where the drain comes out of my stomach. Not dangerous or anything, just a huge nuisance because if I don't notice before my bandage is saturated I have to change into a new outfit. . . Ugh!

So, I am trying to slow back down to slow mo. Because the faster my drain goes the longer it is going to take to get it out for good.

Quite the incentive to read another fluffy crime novel. . .

However. . . I still want to do something fun to get ready for Christmas and I got some inspiration from Better Homes and Gardens magazine's special Christmas edition.

This project was perfect for me.

I had everything I needed and it wouldn't take long at all to do.

So without further ado. . .

A pictorial tutorial for a snow globe inspired (cookie) jar. (You could use any jar you have on hand. I am thinking of doing a few more in mason jars of various sizes.)

My original inspiration used vintage apothecary jars. Way out of my budget. So. . .

I used this jar instead. It normally holds my flour.

For the snow base I used Borax.  Ummm. . .  Just realized that I was supposed to be Epsom salts. . . Oh well. I didn't have them and this was about using what I had. (I still can't drive.) Epsom salts would likely be more sparkly.

I had these from our annual gingerbread house build which we will probably pass on this year.

My cookie jar says salted peanuts 5 cents, which I don't want but. . . 

If I turn it sideways you can't really see it. It's all about improvising.

This step got a little dusty and I had to wipe don the inside of the jar with a dry paper towel

The Borax has been sitting around for a while and was rather lumpy so I strained some over top to give a freshly fallen snow effect.

Add a tree. (from the dollar store.)

I added another tree and some figurines. (Also from the dollar store.) And of course I put a red ribbon around the lid

Ta Da!!

On the kitchen counter between the sugars 

I thoroughly enjoyed this little project.

Why not try one of your own?

Getting Out Of The House. . . Vintage Inspiration

I have had a few busy days. . .at least they seemed busy to me. . .to you they would probably feel like  lovely, leisurely days. . . but it's been wonderful to realize that I have a little more oomph every day. . .

On Monday Henry decided to stay home with me rather than go hunting. ( I may possibly have been the teeenist bit cranky about the fact that he had already been gone for three days. . .)

I still can't drive and needed to pick up new, good quality paint brushes for a project I hope to get done before next week's bazaar (I have a table), so Henry agreed to drive me over just before lunch.

As we drove the sun hit my face and. . . I burst into tears.

Poor Henry reached over and took my hand. "I'm so sorry I upset you. . ."

"It's not you. At least. . . mostly not you. . ." I sobbed.

"This is the first time in a week I've stepped outside the house and now the sun is shining and I'm. just. so. h. h.  h. happy. . .!

As a result, once we were done, he decided to stop at home for Jada and my camera and head off to my favorite neighborhood for a walk.

It was fabulous! Slow. But fabulous!

We even went for a few groceries. I expected to be exhausted the next day but, no.
Holly and I walked a few blocks to Tim's for lunch and I got to feel the sun on my face again!

Which made me realize that I had better find a way to get outside regularly. It is harder than I knew to go from walking Jada for an hour most days to not going outside at all. (Unless it's really cold. Then I'm totally okay with staying inside.)

And I'm still not allowed to walk her so. . . I may just have to sneak out of the house to walk around the block once in a while.

Which I can. Because yesterday???  I was able to put both my socks and boots on. . . by myself!

Whoo hoo! Progress.

Now, lest you think that my friends have forgotten me in this regard I have to tell you that Joyce took me out for dinner two weeks ago and Nicole picked me up and brought me to two wonderful stores in the Highlands area the day after.

Of course, at the time I walked so slow I couldn't cross the street before the light changed.

The first time it happened I just thought we had crossed halfway thorough the light but, on the way back. . . well. . . It was quite clear that what I thought was a speedy shuffle was in reality not much more than a very slow mo shuffle.

Since I can't seem to go out without a camera in my hand. . .

I thought I would share my little adventures.

Apple Box Boutique

Chickies

I am so coming back in the spring!

And if I didn't think this lady likely costs $700 or more, I would totally get her. ( well, not really because I don't have any hundred's of dollars to spare, but, you know what I mean. ..)

I find her fascinating and she would probably get moved from room to room to room looking for the perfect spot to put her.

She might even live outside in the summer and inside in the winter.

I would  feel compelled to do something I am sure no real collector would do though.

Repaint her.

As Holly pointed out, with the paint peeling she looks as though her nose is missing. . . and who wants that???

Sigh. . .

I think I may have to go back and take some better pictures of her.

Even if I can't have her in person I can have her picture on the wall.

* maybe if I shoot her from another angle her nose will look a little better too. . .

Now I am off to bed.

Tomorrow is going to be another busy, fun day. (Don't ask about the state of my house though. . . sigh.)

Finding A Way To Work With My New Normal. . .

The original title for this post started out as Finding a way to work around my new normal until I realized that if this is my new normal ( at least for the time being), it makes more sense to work with it rather than around it. . .

I haven't been blogging regularly because while the tablet the boys bought for me is great for reading e-books, checking my favorite blogs or playing angry birds it is not great for working on as it doesn't have a separate key board.

I tried to blog on it a few times and I kept getting the wrongs words showing up, or not being able to see what I had written and, worst of all. . . .   there.  is. NO. SPELL. CHECK. on my tablet!!

Ideally, I want to work on my desk top. My new normal insists that my leg has to be elevated and the fact that  my computer is on a pedestal table means I have to sit sideways rather than pull up under the table.

My new normal also insists that I not put the keyboard across my lap as half of that lap has a rather large incision which, since my leg is unevenly numb,  means I can't feel which area to avoid. . .

So. . .

I have spent the last couple of days trying to come up with something that works and I think. . . I hope. . . I have found something that will consistently work. . .

How have things been going over here???

Last week. . . aside from two great outings. . .  beyond grumpy.

This week. . . after a visit with the doctor and the realization that it is going to take much longer than I thought to get even close to normal. . . oddly. . . a lot better.

It helped a lot that, when my two sister's -in law dropped by Sunday evening for a visit, one left behind a small manageable project and the other came by the next day and cleaned both my kitchen and the floors upstairs. . .

One of the biggest issues I'm struggling with at the moment is how little it takes to wear me out.

Tidy the kitchen and load the dishwasher. . . done for the day.

Visit the doctor and decide to go into the grocery store with Henry for a few minutes. . . toast for the next two days. . .

As you can imagine cleaning has fallen even father down my priority list than usual. . .

A bit of a problem when a clean pan or dish is needed for a meal. . .

Today every plate, bowl dish, pot and pan I own is waiting in the sink, discreetly covered with a dish towel ( or three. . .) as I chose instead to have a little fun and took pictures of my sister- in - law Leona's jewelry instead. . .

I have no regrets. . .

* don't forget. . . for the best way to check out theses pictures. . .click on the first one. . .

Well. . . I might have a few by dinner time tonight. . .

Although. . .  with Henry out of town hunting, maybe it's a takeout pizza night. . . because that can be eaten on a napkin. . . so. . .  no dishes required. . .

Yes indeed. . . tonight is going to be a Panago night.